I had a heart attack

My heart stopped. My stomach wrenched. I ran. I RAN to Tucker's room.

My worst nightmare, was it coming true?

Well, no, it wasn't. But for a few seconds I thought it might be and in the few seconds it took me to gasp and run to Tucker's room I made Brian feel the exact same way.

So what happened? Again, nothing, nothing happened. Except ...

Tucker has learned to roll over and sleep on his stomach. After three nights of this routine I am easing into accepting it. Belly sleeping seems to have become his preferred modus operandi. I know, I know, "babies used to always sleep on their stomachs", but not these days and not my baby.

Monday morning was the first such incident. I was going about my normal getting ready for work routine which happens to include checking the video monitor to see if my little one is stirring. This Monday morning there was no stir. Tucker was face down in his crib. Here is when I panicked and RAN to him. Still dark this early fall morning I flipped on his bedroom light and dashed to his crib side where he lay still. With my heart no longer beating, I called on my lungs... "TUCKER!"

That is when panic turned to relief and then to... oops. Not quite understanding the fuss, in an instant Tucker was dazed, yet up and in full-arm-extension-upward-dog-position. "I'm up! I'm up!", he seemed to be saying as he anxiously looked around for the fire or oncoming train.

As much as we take pride in all of his milestones (which he seems to be reaching at a feverish rate) they mean both independence and choice, at least in regards to which way he sleeps. We can spend all night flipping him back on his back or we can accept that he found a position that might help him sleep longer through the night.

We already spend all night now watching him on the his monitor to make sure when he does flip over that he does know to turn his head to the side and continues to do so through the night. From the angle of the baby monitor, he undoubtedly looks as though he is face-planted-deathly-still in his crib. In reality he is comfortable slumbering away. A lesson to take away when using a baby monitor or trying to get some sleep...

rollover minutes

Between work and the nanny drama I've missed the opportunity to capture the details of Tucker's recent milestones. I've missed some of those milestones too (as well as missing him immensely in general). He has been moving a mile a minute and growing up even faster, despite my best attempts to snuggle him into babyhood forever.

A week ago I would have written about his increased vocabulary, his goos, gaas, and even a garoo here and there. I would have made note of his recent love of toys, countless time spent exploring them, shaking them, add even throwing them. Oh, and the chewing! I would have mention him chewing on his toys, chewing on his fingers, sometimes even trying to chew on both fists at once! Remarkable! Yes, we think my little baby Tucker might even be starting to teeth. I went to work for a few weeks and he grew up (I guess that lost snuggle time allowed him to slip into a growth spurt).

The now big news is... the rollover. Actually, he rolled over a week ago too, but I missed it. Then I missed it again. And again. But with a vacation day on Monday and an opportunity for a quick photo shoot, there it was. I propped him on his belly for some cute tummy time photos and he did it. "Mommy! Look!", Plop. And suddenly Tucker was belly up again.

Working at Work Mom (WAWM)

This week marked my return to work and both the furthest and the longest I've been away from Tucker. I had not heard back from that coveted work at home assignment I interviewed for and have been commuting to the city since Tuesday for a subjectively better position. As luck would have it the manager of the work at home assignment contacted me today to see if I was still available. Nice. My fate was already decided.

I shed some tears my first day back, a lot of tears the week before, but for the most part I've been a trooper. Tucker has been too. Tuesday was a struggle with some gas (Tucker, not me), not napping for the nanny, and the unforeseen stench from the granite installation that forced nanny and Tuck to his grandma's house. Wednesday was a bit better. By Thursday Tucker had three meals and three good naps on schedule! And now we are in search of a new nanny -- there is another post for you.

Brian set me up with a wireless card allowing me an extra hour a day of work (or writing ...) on the train ride. So, here I am traveling at 50 or so miles per hour and blogging. The nice thing about commuting from Naperville is that there is a zero-stop train straight from Chicago, cutting down on both the motion sickness and time away.

Not wanting to leave my baby, I can't say that I am all smiles. As you could imagine, it is a bit hard to smile at all. However, I said I was being a trooper about it and I am looking on the bright side. That being said, this the bright side:

• Focused quality time with Tucker when I am home!
• Forced personal time on the train for extra work, blogging, or surfing!
• Requisite daily showers.
• Minimized spit up coverage and outfit changes.
• Helps promote Tucker onto a sleeping and eating schedule.
• Great excuse to splurge on a daily (decaf) latte.
• The Chai Tea latte at Rom (that I couldn't have while I was pregnant)
• Seeing work buddies, most of whom have also had kids in the past year or two.
• Get to use my Argo Tea frequent buyer cards.
• Opportunity to see and appreciate the great city of Chicago!
• A paycheck.

naked at 3 months

We celebrated Tucker's 3 month birthday yesterday. By celebrate I mean we deviated from the "typical" day in which I go to work, come home, play, bathe Tuck, and let Brian put Tuck to bed. No, today was a special day.

The routine started out no different than normal (as normal as it gets the second day in). I woke up at 6:10 and performed my get ready routine followed by feeding, cuddling, and playing with Tucker and letting Brian change Tucker into his day clothes while I did the same. You have to understand that Tucker is irresistibly cute in the morning, one astonishingly happy baby. This morning was no exception, but with a twist. A half naked twist, with baby and dad both opting to go topless. Any mother would understand, and single women out there too, there is just something touching about a baby and his dad, add in the natural beauty of this skin to skin moment, and well, it is just breathtaking. It is a moment that commands you to stop, take notice, and record it in the (baby) books. And that is how we started Tucker's 3 month birthday. Topless Dad and Tuck and mom insisting on a birthday suit photo shoot.

Once clothed, we fastened the birthday boy into his car seat headed for the train station. As luck would have it this day the morning radio politely informed us that the 7:24 train, which I had heard rumbling through town while taking my last restroom break at home had mechanical problems resulting in not a single person from Naperville getting onto one of the busiest trains into the city. I knew what it meant, the already packed 7:44 train would be even busier, making it impossible to get a seat or even standing room. There would be no work and no blogging on that train, so what did we do? We skipped it. Yes, I said it, we SKIPPED IT. The split decision was made to abandon the plans of the catching the train we had all work so diligently to make. We diverted instead to the Starbucks for a much better plan: 1 grande latte + 1 tall decaf latte + 1 hot apple fritter and some chat time with Tucker. A nice family morning for Tucker's birthday.

Of course, I caught the 8:00 train and went to work, but this was a truly wonderful day regardless. One of those days you wish you would have if you weren't so busy living life. We stepped back and appreciated the roses a bit. Happy Birthday Tucker, we love you!

superman!

The dreaded day had arrived. Vaccinations.

Thanks to Jenny McCarthy and one Supreme Court verdict, I was terrified to take you to the doctor. I had done my research. I read up on the side effects. I heard the testimonies on vaccinations and autism. I wasn't happy with what we had to do.

Is the risk of my child catching Tetanus, Diptheria or Pertussis seriously greater than the chances of these side effects from the TDaP vaccination? Simply running a fever and just being upset by the vaccinations is torture enough for a parent. And the autism scare, what if two days from now my child, my wonderful, happy, breath of fresh (and poopy) air child is suddenly non-responsive? How could I live with what I had done to my child? Knowing who he was and his personality that resulted from something the world told me I needed to do. How could I live with that loss?

At one month visit you needed only a single shot, Hepatitis B. You slept the entire day afterward. You can't tell me that wasn't a side effect. I asked the pediatrician that day about what concerns we should have over the vaccination. He responded by saying, "Who are you, the one that keeps everyone away from your child?". We didn't switch practices after that remark, but we certainly jumped to a new doctor within the practice. Am I not to have a say in my child's immunization schedule? Would I be a good mother if I didn't question what gets pumped into my baby?

Nevertheless, I let wisdom or influence or fear of the I told you so lead us back to the pediatrician, armed with your superman onesie and apprehension. Friendly advice told us the vaccines hurt us worse than it would hurt you, but I can't really say that was true. While you were the true angel you are throughout the visit, the shots (2 of them) clearly hurt. The nurse was quick to administer them, but you were quicker to turn so red I truly thought your eyes would have popped out of your head had you not had them closed so tightly. The bandaides could not have been put on quick enough for me to grab you into my arms and assure you all would be okay.

Like the brave boy you are, you settled quickly and managed to fall fast asleep against my chest, as if the short but extreme trauma had sent you into complete exhaustion. Even in your slumber, you clung to me, which was deeply heartwarming despite the situation which initiated it. Unable to let you go, the three of us sidled up to each other in the backseat of the car, thanking God we made it through the experience thus far. The next few days will not be without anxiety though. The watch for side effects begins.

In honor of our traumatic experience, you and I turned the occasion into a sick day... While your dad had to work, he did generously rented us a movie from the Red Box, the new release of Confessions of a Shopaholic. We spent the afternoon in our pajamas, cuddled up with boppy and blankie on the couch creating the warmth and coziness to keep me believing that you know how much you are loved and cared for.

Current Stats on 6/23/2009, 2 months:
Weight: 13 pounds, 6 ounces (95% percentile)
Height: 25 inches (95% percentile)
Head: 15 3/4 inches (75% percentile)

happy 2 month birthday!

We celebrated with a walk in the stifling 80 degree weather (we're completely un-acclimated from the Texas weather we used to tolerate). You were abnormally fussy in the evening until a large bottle of milk sent you to sleep. You made up for the mild display by sleeping nearly five hours consecutively. We're not sure where that came from, but we appreciated that birthday present nevertheless!

day 45 - empty nesters

What to do for your very first wedding anniversary when you have a newborn? Well, we initially planned for a quiet celebration at our new home with some take out, a movie, and some cuddle time with baby Tucker. I tend to miss you when you are not in the same room, so the idea sounded great to me. I know, separation anxiety...

On the morning of our anniversary however, your grandparents posed and interesting question,

"what if we babysit?"

hmmm.... the thought had never actually occurred to either of us, but we toyed with the idea all day long. With much thought we concluded we needed to get our obsessive selves out, rationalizing we'd be better parents for not being only about baby. And off we were for my first non-cooked sushi in over 10 months! Lucky for your grandparents our transition to add a bottle to your day left them with something to soothe you with while we were out. Lucky for me that bottle gave me enough time to enjoy another post pregnancy first, a glass of the 2005 BR Cohn Zinfendel we served at our wedding.

With the prospect of heading out on a date, I have to admit I wondered how it would go. While we were both tired lets also face the facts, Brian and I hadn't been alone in the past 18 months where we were not talking about either our wedding, our house remodeling, or our baby-to-be. Driving away from your grandparents' house I felt a bit like an empty nester. Would we have anything in common, anything to talk about?

I have to say that 2009 marked the best of any type of anniversary we have had. Opening that bottle of wine and hanging out with your dad was like catching up with an old friend. The conversation drifted to you now and then, but the two hours we were away were not nearly enough for all we could have chatted each other up. It was a wonderful reminder of why I married my best friend and a celebration of the life and the baby we made together.

day 44 - a night on the town

Armed with your second bottle of breast milk (ever), we joined your grandparents for dinner at their neighbors, Rita and JR. Yes, that marks Tucker's first night out. Thank goodness for the bottle, or the night would have to have ended prematurely (earlier than 9:00 PM that is).

day 41 - back to work?

Today marks the last day of my FMLA (Family Medical Leave of Absense). You will be six weeks tomorrow and supposedly that is old enough for me to drop you off at day care and head off to work. Um, no thanks.

Six weeks is in no way enough time to prepare you to be without your mom nor is it enough time for me to have prepared some sort of child care for you. You are a big healthy baby, you are strong, you can even pretty much hold your head up yourself, but there is one huge problem (among other nearly as important problems). Breastfeeding.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends 6-12 months of breastfeeding. They also recommend not using a bottle with a breastfeeding babies until 4-6 weeks of age. So, here we are at the conservative end of the scale, six weeks and we are starting to try you out on a bottle. By starting I mean we are following the recommended transition where you are given a (ONE) bottle a day for an entire week, then two bottles a day the next week, up to the number of bottles you need to SURVIVE while you cannot breastfeed. Let's do the math, you eat at least every two hours. In a given work day I assume I would be gone 10 hours (8 hours plus two hours of commute). That is five bottles. I would need five weeks to get you to that point of survival of an average day. I need the get off this blog and start practicing and pumping...

The persons who decided that 6 weeks was sufficient FMLA must have been male and without kids. Thanks to the lack of influence by other mothers such as me has left me in a very common situation. Tomorrow begins my first day of unpaid leave. Now, I am very thankful to have at least that. I don't have the option to become a stay at home mom at this point, but I guess I can act like one for now.

day 31 - mom and tucker go solo

We ended up staying home this weekend, instead of heading to Dallas with the rest of the family for Mindy and Joey's wedding.

Housing status: still living at your grandparent's. It's been relatively calm with them out of town. No hustle and bustle, just us concentrating on you and the move to our new house. The biggest difference has been in the increase in freedom for you to cry. I still claim you don't cry much, but we're just not as overly concerned as to who we are disturbing when you do ...

In an attempt to help your dad with the house, you and I planned a big day of errands. With only two stops, it seemed manageable, if we could ever get out of the house. With your dad off to meet contractors and tile our bathroom, we started heading out the door around 10:00 AM. Heading out the door means the final feeding, final diaper change, the final spit up - change up, mom tries to grab a bite to eat - then repeat. We nearly left around 1:00, but I couldn't figure out how to fold and unfold the stroller to fit in the car. Knowing now how to do it, it is a simple task, but pair it with a crying child, hours of frustration, hunger, sleeplessness... and it's no small feat.

I called your dad in hysteria for directions on the stroller and by 2 PM we were out the door, with me a hot, sweaty mess anxious about taking you to the store. What if you cry? What if you are screaming in the Bed Bath and Beyond and I can't calm you? Do I pacify you with my pinkie (we believe you're too young for a pacifier yet) while I try to shop and push your stroller with the other? Do I drop everything and leave? And how exactly do I do the shopping itself? Do I keep you in the stroller? Do I put your car seat in the cart? Is that safe? Does that work? Oh goodness what if you cry?!

As many mothers before me have said, the car ride put you out. You slept on the way to the stores, slept throughout the Bed Bath and Beyond, slept through the Buy Buy Baby and all the way to our house. Being home was more stressful than the shopping ... I think we'll have to get out more.

Mom and Tucker's first solo shopping trick. Success.

day 30 - one month checkup

You had your one month checkup today - at exactly one month. Height 22, weight 10 pounds 10.4 ounces. We were informed you were gaining weight at a rate of over an ounce a day, at least double the average for the average child. We thought you were big when you were born ... Luckily, all parts are reported to be in proportion, head circumference 15 inches.

I was thrown off guard when I learned you were to receive your second Hepatitis-B vaccine. With all the scare right now with vaccination induced autism, I'm terrified of them pumping anything into you. But how am I to know that it's safer to not have the vaccinations? The pediatrician seemed annoyed when I asked about the vaccination schedule and signs to watch out for ill effects of the vaccination. I took solace in the fact that its the Measles Mumps and Rubella (MMR) shot that seems to be the kiss of autism, but nevertheless, I worried about you all day and night.

Following the doctor's appointment, you slept for an unimaginably long time (keep in mind that you rarely went more than 90 minutes without eating). Actually, you slept most of the evening, waking to feed, but very little crying, fussing, or playing. You even let us sleep for three consecutive hours. Of course, this made heightened my nervousness, but despite my worries the sleep was blissful. Perhaps vaccinations are not so bad.

day 25 - mommy milestone!

I weigh less than your dad today. Thank you for breastfeeding so excessively!